Sustainable inner growth - beyond quick fixes: How to approach Inner Bonding

Perhaps you know these thoughts: What is the method, the book, the person who will finally put an end to all my problems, bring me lasting happiness and put everything in order? Is it the next self-help book? A new coaching? Or is it Inner Bonding?

The honest answer is: No - even Inner Bonding is not the one miracle solution.
And that is no reason to be disappointed. Quite the opposite.

There are wonderful ways and tools that can accompany and support us on our inner path - inner child work is one of them. Powerful, supportive, profound. But: No tool in the world will "fix" you - because you are not broken. It's not about fixing. It's about growing. 

Growing instead of fixing

What you can do is grow step by step into your role as a loving, caring adult.
You can embark on a journey - with highs and lows, with insights and challenges.
You can learn what is really good for you. And start to lovingly hold and integrate old pain.

At the same time, we sometimes find that working with our inner child changes things very quickly: Suddenly something becomes clear inside. We give the different parts of ourselves space to show themselves - and to be heard. What was previously confusion in our heads suddenly becomes understandable. This can be very relieving.

Trusting in growth

And: the real integration of new behaviors and the change of deep patterns take time, attention and repetition. It's like planting a tree: you need patience, care, light and water - and over time, new life will unfold.

This does not mean that you should ignore the pain you are feeling. On the contrary. If you are longing for a way out, then know that it exists. It just might look different than you thought.

The Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh said: "The way out is in."
This means that we turn to our inner child - with love, with compassion, with presence. That is where real transformation begins. That is where change happens. And we often feel relief on the way there - we don't have to be "fully developed" to be able to breathe again. 

Why do we try so hard to fix ourselves?

What is actually so unbearable about ourselves that we think we have to hide it, change it or get rid of it?
This urge to "fix ourselves" is often an old survival strategy. An inner perfectionism born of shame, fear or past experiences.

When perfectionism becomes a survival strategy

In his book "Complex PTSD" Pete Walker describes how perfectionism develops in children in difficult situations as a form of protection:
If we didn't get the love, safety or security we needed as children, we couldn't bear this pain alone. So we began to believe: If I'm just better, try harder, do everything right - then I'll be loved, then I'll be safe.

Perhaps that helped us to get through somehow back then. Today, however, this inner pressure leads us to exhaustion, emptiness, fear or pain.

When perfectionism also shapes our inner work

And this perfectionism is not only evident in everyday life - but also on our development path.
Maybe you know the thought: I have to do Inner Bonding "right".
But this is a misguided approach. There is no such thing as a perfect Inner Bonder. There are only people who decide again and again to be loving towards themselves.

Choose a new intention

In Inner Bonding, our inner alignment - our Intention - plays a central role.
We can consciously choose from which inner place we want to act:
Do we want to continue to act out of fear, control or self-protection - or do we open ourselves up to an inner attitude of learning, development and acceptance?

If we choose the latter, we say: I want to understand what is really good for me. I want to be in touch with life - just as it is.
And we let go of what we could never hold on to anyway: Control over life.

The beauty of inner growth

What we find in this process is often much more precious than what our perfectionist voice could ever dream of.
It is not the brief, euphoric moment in which we think: Now I've done it!
It is something deeper. A silent connection with benevolence. With acceptance. With inner peace.

Transformation often doesn't feel dramatic. It feels like pulling out an old, forgotten splinter:
A silent sigh of relief. A deep calmness.
Something that goes far beyond any rescue fantasy.

Accepting life as it is and growing at the same time

Growth invites us to embrace life as it is:
Messy, touching, challenging, alive. Painful and beautiful at the same time.
And it is precisely this that creates a feeling of freedom, expansiveness and connectedness that we can never achieve as long as we "have to" change ourselves.

I invite you:
Observe your longing for quick solutions. See how it affects your feelings. How do you feel about it?
Embrace yourself in your humanity - imperfect, touchable, alive.
And go at your own pace, with loving accompaniment - Step by step.

Illustrations (c) Valentin Dinges.